“The Fly” Visits the First 2014 Stewart-Haas Racing Team Meeting
You’ve probably heard a lot about being a “fly on the wall” somewhere or another.
Well, that’s usually me.
I have a toolbelt full of various electronic and mechanical gadgets that help me get into places no one else can get into, plus rocket propulsion and GPS to get from place to place quickly.
Instead of a “flash-back”, let’s do a “flash-forward” to the very first team meeting of 2014 for Stewart-Haas Racing. Kurt Busch has signed a contract with SHR for 2014. Ryan Newman is on to other things (RCR?).
Tony Stewart is seated at a table in a large executive conference room, with one leg propped up on a chair. I am perched up in a corner, out of sight. Tony does not like me for some reason.
A door opens at one end of the room, and Kurt Busch walks in.
Kurt: Tony! Or should I call you Mr. Stewart? How’s the leg?
Kurt slaps Tony’s outstretched leg.
Tony: (tensing up in pain) URRGGH! It’s still a little tender, Kurt. Ya mind not doing that?
Kurt: Sure, sure. (without a bit of remorse) Sorry.
A door opens at the other side of the room, and in walks Kevin Harvick.
Kevin: Hi, Tony! Is ol’ flatears here yet? (finally seeing Kurt) Oh.. hi, Kurt. (grinning insincerely)
Kurt: (without missing a beat, also grinning insincerely) Kevin! I see Delana let you have the pants today, huh?
Kevin immediately leaps over the table, and the two are at it!
Tony: (yelling) Kurt!! Kevin!! KNOCK IT OFF! And SITDOWN!
The two separate, and sit down, glaring at each other.
Kurt: (muttering) Whipped.
Kevin (muttering) Airstream!
Kurt: WHAT WAS THAT?
Kurt leaps over the table, and the two are at it again!
Suddenly, the first door opens, and in strolls Danica Patrick, in a skimpy black bikini.
Danica: Hello, boys. Is this where the GoDaddy photoshoot is?
As she speaks, the fight pauses, like a freeze-frame. Kurt has Kevin in a headlock and is yanking on his ears, while Kevin is pummelling Kurt with punches to the gut.
Danica: No? Hmmm, maybe it’s THAT door.
She walks across the room and exits through the other door. Two out of three sets of eyes follow her. The exception is Kevin, who is trying hard not to look in case Danica speaks to Delana.
Kurt: (noticing Havick trying to ignore Danica) Ha! See?!?? I told you you were whipped!!
Kevin: At least I’m still married!!
And they’re at it again!
Tony: Whoo, boy… it’s going to be a looong season.
EDITOR’S NOTE: The events portrayed in this article are completely fictional, and are meant strictly for the entertainment of our readers. No flies were harmed in the writing of this column. Your mileage may vary. Avoid taking if you are pregnant or plan to be pregnant. See label for details.